scottish blogger, anxiety and depression, what depression feels like, mental health blogger, mental health blog, mental illness, this stuff is golden,

An Inner Dialogue With My Mental Illnesses

trigger warning: depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, general bad brain thoughts

Me: I feel kinda lonely and isolated recently.

Anxiety: That’s cos nobody actually likes you.

Me: I’m sure people are just busy, it is December after all-

Anxiety: Too busy to text you? Pfft. Nah they all just hate you. Or they’ve forgotten about you, not sure what’s worse.

Depression: Maybe they’ve all just realised how worthless you are!

Me: It seems that things still aren’t getting better in my life-

Depression: Too right they’re not, you’re so useless you can’t change anything to a positive, you’ll never amount to anything, you’ll always feel this way.

Anxiety: All change is bad, how are you going to cope next year? Alone again! But with a child! Doing everything for yourself! Nobody around! What are you going to do?

Depression: She’s gonna fail, that’s what she’s gonna do.

Anxiety: There’s so much to think about! This isn’t just you anymore, it’s your daughter too! How are you gonna do this? There’s too much!

Depression: Why bother trying?

Body Dysmorphia: And you know you’re actually disgusting to look at, right? Have you even been outside today, moved your body around?

Me: It’s really shitty weather toda-

Body Dsymorphia: And then you had two teaspoons of peanut butter as a snack! Instant weight gain! You idiot.

Depression: Nobody sees any worth in her anyway, whose gonna appear in her life and think she’s good enough for a relationship? LOL, nobody. Used and damaged goods.

Anxiety: She can’t survive on her own!!! What if she needs help! So many things she has to decide on and do for herself that she’s never had to do before, and now she’s completely alone! What about when it’s dark in the house and imaginary things start to creep her out???

Depression: Darker days ahead…

Me: It’s gotta get a bit better, eventually?

Anxiety: Can’t you feel that? I’m all up in your neck muscles right now, you’re so stressed you can’t even write anything without me! How are you going to get anything done with me around?!

Body Dysmorphia: And when you’re alone, no more going for runs to help with the stress, and you know what that means… MORE INSTANT WEIGHT GAIN.

Depression: We’re done for. You’re done for.


I APPRECIATE ANY CONCERN YOU HAVE BUT:

I’m not saying this to be disrespectful but please don’t send me any emails or long comments about how this too shall pass or anything like that, I’m not posting this to get anything in return, I’m just posting it because it’s how I feel.

I don’t think I’m in the right head-space for advice right now.

My CBT therapist from over a decade ago once said to me that my thoughts are in a triangle shape, and if anybody says anything nice about me, I see those compliments as square shapes – they just don’t fit in my mental space and I reject them, or turn them into triangle shapes so that they do fit my thought patterns.

That’s where I am at right now. But you know, don’t send me triangle shapes either because I have enough of those in my head for a lifetime.

(Stole this last bit from a similar blog post; (A Conversation With Depression; cos I kinda feel the same way as I did then.)

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