Distraction

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I haven’t been around much, distraction (and fear) has kept me away. My blog has been like a distant place for me. Like somewhere I used to go but have moved on from, haven’t found the time to visit anymore.

But that’s a lie! I do have the time and I don’t think I have moved on.

I check my blog every few days, well, every time I log on to my laptop. I just haven’t been able to get the words down as I’m not sure what to say.

My counsellor I used to see told me once that when I do shy away from my journal or my blog, it’s because I am afraid to meet myself on the page. I think about this a lot. I think I am scared of what will come out, what I’m ready to share about what has been going on of late.

An arty July.

This month I have been using my art journal as an outlet, even writing streams of consciousness inside it. Seems like a more private place for me, which is probably part of the reason why I have gravitated towards it. Plus, I love the feeling of getting lost in that creative flow that collage and painting regularly allows me to get lost in.

I’ve made a few little bits and bobs, a tiny zine called Into The Blue (which you can find out more about here). What brings me a lot of joy is making this kind of stuff, but what really makes me happy is making little parcels of stuff to send to people.

I don’t make much money from my Etsy shop, and to be honest I’ll probably take it down soon because it’s just not working out (as in, it’s costing me more to list stuff compared to how much money I have made from it), and so sometimes I just make little envelopes of collage items and things and send them to friends. Snail mail is something that always makes me happy, so I like to think it does the same for my friends.

I can’t seem to find satisfaction anywhere.

I tend to go back to art journalling and collage-making because it gives me something to focus on. I have been so distracted this month. Distracted deliberately. I have been using my phone non-stop; watching hours of YouTube, scrolling through Instagram/ Twitter, messaging a lot.

Art has to do with the arrest of attention in the midst of distraction.
– Saul Bellow

Often I wonder whether this distraction is a good or bad thing. It could be a necessary thing for me to do right now in order to get through what is it I am going through. It could be something that is actually helping me in some ways.

On the other hand however, am I distracting myself too much? Is it taking me away from the things that actually make me happy and give me a bit of focus? I can’t really tell, and I don’t think there’s any kind of measure for this.

An addiction to distraction is the death of creative production.
– Robin S. Sharma

I’m exhausted by pulling myself in all different directions. I’m asking a lot from myself and being mentally punished if I don’t do “enough”. I’m distracted by online in order to step away from reality.

I’d like some more focus and so I’m attempting to set myself proper goals and projects for the upcoming month. July has been okay, it was saved by a handful of truly delightful moments, but there were many very low points too. I’m hoping for a more present August.


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