Each time I try to blog I feel like I have nothing to say, and yet, there’s so much I want to tell you. I end up feeling really frustrated and annoyed with myself, so I quit trying before I throw my laptop across the room.
Therefore, I thought I would ease myself back into blogging with a sort of listicle, after posting nothing for three weeks. Let’s start with the bad stuff.
- My mental health took a big hit when my daughter started to have terrible nights. It was the start of teething, and she needed a lot of comforting throughout the night. We ended up sharing the master bed, whilst my SO slept wherever was comfiest. The nights were long and hard – I spent about twelve hours in bed with her, getting woken up around six to nine times per night. This went on for about two weeks. My anxiety peaked (I had night sweats again), and I would dread the evenings because I knew what was coming. My muscles were tense, I didn’t get any chance to really relax or do anything for myself. My mind was melting, and I felt incredibly, overwhelming sad much too often. Thankfully we have started “sleep training” and it has improved her nights so much, as well as making sure she stays in her own bed each night. I’ve got my evenings back and I’m no longer suffering from night sweats.
- From the above, my depression is awful, regardless of improvements made to sleep. I think about suicide daily. I’ve had some really, really shit days. But I’m still here.
- I’ve been feeling like a really rubbish mum recently, even though I love my daughter so much and would do anything for her. Half the time I wish I could do something for myself, wish that she would just stop moaning or crying, wish that she was able to nap better during the day (she only naps if we take her on walks, which is quite exhausting as you can imagine). I feel like a rubbish mum just writing that.
- I’m the most skint I’ve ever been. There’s less than £20 in my account.
- After writing my recent article “Please Stop Calling It ‘Revenge Porn‘” for The Establishment, I was contacted by a lovely researcher at BBC Yorkshire, asking if I would be interested to do an interview about my experience. It started off with a pre-recorded TV interview segment (BBC News South) and pre-recorded radio interview (BBC Berkshire Live), which after airing, had a domino effect that resulted in two more radio interviews (BBC Radio One and BBC Wales) and a live interview on the programme Victoria Derbyshire on BBC 2. I received some lovely support, and though it was a somewhat triggering experience, I’m very glad that I did it. Hopefully it helped start a conversation about this horrible crime, or at least, made somebody who is going through a similar trauma feel less alone.
- I spotted a creative opportunity on Twitter a few months ago and decided to apply for it. I was quite casual about it, thinking that nothing would really come of it. I actually forgot I applied – until I saw the “Congratulations!” email in my inbox, inviting me to the first meeting to find out more about what I had actually gotten myself into. Thankfully I did go to the meeting, and found out that I (and 15 others) had been selected to participate in an art exhibition with Historic Environment Scotland based around the subject matter of ‘Invisible Spaces’. Each person is being given free rein regarding what artwork we create, as long as it is not a portrait, and obviously stems from the subject matter. It will be held at Summerhall in Edinburgh for six weeks (!) during November and December. Everybody at the meeting was happily surprised at how big this thing actually is – most of the other people I talked to initially thought that this exhibition was going to be very small and low budget. I go to my next meeting tomorrow.
- I managed to secure some freelance work of writing three mental health themed blog posts. The money from that managed to take my bank account out of the red (only just).
- I made a mum-friend who lives really close by! And we talk about real shit, which is so great and so vital.
And that’s all I can think of for now folks. I hope to get back to some ‘real’ blogging soon. I have so many ideas but no follow-through. At the moment my main priority is just trying to get through each day the best I can.