Finding Purpose, Feeling Lost

finding purpose, being pregnant, unemployed and pregnant, finding your purpose, self belief, putting it out there to the universe, speaking to the universe, positive thinking, this stuff is golden,

I don’t really know how to define myself anymore, and it’s causing some of my self-hate demons to rise again. I feel lost and in need of a purpose.

Maybe I feel this way because life is happening at a lightning speed rate. A lot of major changes are about to occur (even without the pregnancy), and I have a lot of things to do. Here’s a brief summary for you:

  • I’m leaving Edinburgh tomorrow to live with my mum and her partner
  • Once we live with my mum, my SO will be travelling to his office twice a week (we’ve barely been apart over the last 16 months)
  • During that time, we’ll be on the search for a new home to rent, hopefully in the area of Haywards Heath
  • Once we move there, my SO will be at the office five days a week
  • I’ll be in a new town, trying to ‘nest’ as pregnant women do, as well as trying to make a very alien place feel like a home by making friends etc.

Add my ever-changing pregnancy body and the fact that I’m going to have my own little human to take care of in just under five months, and you may be able to picture just how much life is happening to me.

All these changes are making me think about what I am and what I am going to be. Technically I’m already a mother, I just haven’t met my child yet. But what do I do that’s for me? What do I do that gives me a purpose/self-worth? Not much, but that’s only because I’m scared to do it. I’m scared to think about how I don’t really know what to do or how to do it.

I decided recently to cut down on how often I publish on this blog because I thought I was spending too much time on it, without getting that much in return. When I say that, I don’t mean money (though that would be nice) – what I mean is that some of the joy has gone and the only way I can think of getting it back is by taking a little step back.

I want to take the time I save from blogging less to make something for myself, of myself. I want to make my own money (small amounts would be perfectly fine by me). I want to find that calling that still seems so lost to me. I want, I want, I want.

My SO and I briefly spoke about putting out your positive thoughts and best intentions to the universe, and the universe paying you back kindly. It’s kind of like you can send out messages to the universe, saying that you are going to succeed in that thing you’ve always loved doing, and by saying that the universe will help you get there, along with your growing self-belief. I like the thought of that, I just wish I had some sort of self-belief to get me started.

Perhaps that will be my first step in achieving something for myself. Or maybe I need to stop saying ‘I want’ and start saying ‘I am’. By changing that one word, I can make positive statements about myself, and trick my mind into believing that I can do those things because I already am those things.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that once my baby comes into this world, I will be besotted with them, and find a lot of purpose in raising them. But before that, a purpose of my own would greatly benefit my mental health, helping me conquer some of those nasty self-hate voices in my head.

I’ll let you know how I get on.

12 Comments

  • Amy Young says:

    Hey! I found your blog as I am searching out positive spaces on the internet to do with self care 🙂
    I am in fact currently awaiting referral to an eating disorder clinic having just finished my a levels (yay..!) so reading your blog will be a welcome distraction! I look forward to future posts.
    I have also recently started my own blog posting every day to document my thoughts so if you could check that out and maybe follow along and offer any advice on blogging that would be so appreciated.
    Thank you and I hope you’re well!!
    Amy xx

    • Lauren says:

      Hi Amy! Thank you for such a lovely comment, I hope your referral comes in sooner rather than later and that they help you just as you deserve. Will definitely check out your blog 🙂 x

  • I can relate to an awful lot of this and I have a few years on you! We’re always creating ourselves and our lives and life has a way of throwing curveballs in there too. Good luck to you!

  • Dee says:

    I’ve really enjoyed reading this! With so many changes going on in your life you must feel anxious, excited, confused all at the same time! Wishing you lots of luck and sending you good vibes

  • Lydia says:

    I’ll be cheering you on! This is one of my favourite blogs I’ve come across in a long time 🙂

  • Quinn says:

    Well no matter what you decide your purpose is, know that I’m cheering you on from the sidelines! And don’t feel stressed if you can’t figure it out. You might feel like you NEED to know now – right now, before baby comes – what your purpose is, but if you start to feel overwhelming pressure to do with your timeline, take a step back and realise the timeline is fictional, everything will be fine, and sure it would be nice to have things nailed down but also you can go with the flow and that’s okay too.

    “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.”

  • Gloria says:

    Life is full of new starts and I’ve had more than my share. It’s daunting each time but it’s important to keep it in perspective. I’ve done most of them by myself and believe me, it’s so much easier with an SO by your side. That’s a blessing that I’m glad you’ve got. You’ll soon have a major focus in your life when the baby comes along and it’s completely absorbing and wonderful. and purposeful. But you can still do so many other things over the years as your baby is growing up. Your blog, for one thing; you’re an excellent blogger and could turn that into little books to sell on Kindle. It would help other people and earn money at the same time. (I can help you with that if you want). There are so many things you can do as a stay at home mum and you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to lecture. It’s just that I’ve been in that position and travelled that path and can understand some of your feelings. I’m offering this as a way of support. I was on my own with little babies for most of my marriage as my ex husband worked away from home. I was absorbed by them, which I loved, but I also read, studied, and wrote when they slept. Most people don’t know their full life purpose until middle age so try not to be so hard on yourself.. We all have to wear different hats throughout life and multiple hats during parenting years As far as defining yourself is concerned: my favourite philosopher ,J. Krishnamurti., talks about how, by labelling and definiing things, it’s puts limitations on them (including ourselves). It’s a bit like Zen philosophy.; which is nameless, choiceless awareness, which, when put into practice, leads to total liberation. I love the idea of total liberation as I’m all about freedom me (this is why I do emotional freedom techniques with my clients). It’s all about achieving freedom; emotionally, mentally and in turn, physically, which means no labels, no definitions, just freedom. Ah, now doesn’t that sound good 🙂 Have a sunny day xx

    • Lauren says:

      Aw thank you Gloria! It didn’t sound like a lecture in the slightest, just full of thoughtful advice and wisdom from your own life 🙂 And I trust your advice because of how wonderful your children are – especially one in particular 😉 And thank you for the compliment about my blog! Means a lot when I put a lot of thought into it! xx

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