I don’t really know how to define myself anymore, and it’s causing some of my self-hate demons to rise again. I feel lost and in need of a purpose.
Maybe I feel this way because life is happening at a lightning speed rate. A lot of major changes are about to occur (even without the pregnancy), and I have a lot of things to do. Here’s a brief summary for you:
- I’m leaving Edinburgh tomorrow to live with my mum and her partner
- Once we live with my mum, my SO will be travelling to his office twice a week (we’ve barely been apart over the last 16 months)
- During that time, we’ll be on the search for a new home to rent, hopefully in the area of Haywards Heath
- Once we move there, my SO will be at the office five days a week
- I’ll be in a new town, trying to ‘nest’ as pregnant women do, as well as trying to make a very alien place feel like a home by making friends etc.
Add my ever-changing pregnancy body and the fact that I’m going to have my own little human to take care of in just under five months, and you may be able to picture just how much life is happening to me.
All these changes are making me think about what I am and what I am going to be. Technically I’m already a mother, I just haven’t met my child yet. But what do I do that’s for me? What do I do that gives me a purpose/self-worth? Not much, but that’s only because I’m scared to do it. I’m scared to think about how I don’t really know what to do or how to do it.
I decided recently to cut down on how often I publish on this blog because I thought I was spending too much time on it, without getting that much in return. When I say that, I don’t mean money (though that would be nice) – what I mean is that some of the joy has gone and the only way I can think of getting it back is by taking a little step back.
I want to take the time I save from blogging less to make something for myself, of myself. I want to make my own money (small amounts would be perfectly fine by me). I want to find that calling that still seems so lost to me. I want, I want, I want.
My SO and I briefly spoke about putting out your positive thoughts and best intentions to the universe, and the universe paying you back kindly. It’s kind of like you can send out messages to the universe, saying that you are going to succeed in that thing you’ve always loved doing, and by saying that the universe will help you get there, along with your growing self-belief. I like the thought of that, I just wish I had some sort of self-belief to get me started.
Perhaps that will be my first step in achieving something for myself. Or maybe I need to stop saying ‘I want’ and start saying ‘I am’. By changing that one word, I can make positive statements about myself, and trick my mind into believing that I can do those things because I already am those things.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that once my baby comes into this world, I will be besotted with them, and find a lot of purpose in raising them. But before that, a purpose of my own would greatly benefit my mental health, helping me conquer some of those nasty self-hate voices in my head.
I’ll let you know how I get on.