During my down days I feel as if nothing is worth doing, that I can’t and won’t succeed in anything, and that I am a waste of space. This leads to not eating enough, not showering enough, and generally not moving my body enough. I close myself off and feel ashamed of how I am feeling. I see suicide as a way out. I dream of ending my life. I cry about it, imagine it, almost planning it, and I feel guilty about it.
I try to remember the little moments of joy that I have in my life. It’s really hard to remember what laughter is really like when you are feeling completely sunken into your depression. It’s also really hard to persuade yourself that you are worth something, that your life is worth something, and that there is a point to carrying on.
Thankfully, with a lot of love and help, I have managed to lift myself out of those down days several times.
This time round, after three consecutive down days I opened up to my SO and got out of that utterly horrible mindset. I know that I may experience those feelings again, maybe several more times, but I also know that I have been able to survive them.
One thing that I saw during those rough few days was an image of a smiling guy holding a sign that said the following:
“Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.”
It was important for me to remember that how I was feeling wasn’t forever, but going through with suicide would be. I thought about the things I wanted in my future, things I could do to get there, and why it was worth trying again. I thought about how I didn’t want to die from sadness, and that I wanted to live more of this roller-coaster life.
Fortunately I have had a mostly positive month since those three days – I even had a five day streak of good days (I record my days in my journal with colour-coordinated pixels). With this past year in mind I am very grateful for my good days. My depression was triggered around this time last year (I think it was simply because I was finally having a break and therefore had the time to actually process what had happened to me and how I felt about it).
I know that I am lucky enough to have a loving family, SO and friends. If you are feeling alone (even if you aren’t physically alone) and your depression is leading you down a particularly dark path of thought, I just want you to remember this:
I know it’s hard to talk about but you can find somebody to open up to, to not be judged by. You can also get better, it just takes time and support. Give yourself a chance to get better.