I mostly think about not-existing anymore.
I’m still scared of death, scared of dying. I feel intense guilt picturing loved ones upset about my early departure.
I imagine my SO finding me or getting the phone call, then I cry some more. I imagine my family at my funeral, then I cry some more. I imagine Christmases and my birthday becoming painful occasions for those closest to me, then I cry some more. Suicidal thoughts make me feel so guilty, so selfish.
I feel trapped by suicidal thoughts. The guilt of picturing the aftermath of my death stops me from going ahead with any of the scenarios I have thought of, and I feel trapped. Trapped in my self-hating mind, I cry some more.
Those times are the worst times, that’s when I’m at a very, very low point.
The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.
– Juliette Lewis
Other times, the almost-worst times, I just wish I didn’t exist. I wish I could evaporate, disintegrate, dissolve. I just want to stop being so that I can stop feeling.
I am my own worst enemy because I make myself feel so terrible about being myself that not existing seems like the best option. I bully myself into feeling the worst I can possibly feel. I tell myself that I am nothing until I wish I was literally nothing.
Funnily enough, having these thoughts and being my own worst enemy makes me hate myself even more. I feel like a fool, a failure even, for making myself so miserable.
But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.
– Albert Camus
I often wonder what it’s like for somebody who has never felt these things – does a person like that exist? Is it possible to not want to kill yourself, at least at one point in your life? How does somebody go through life, live 80 years or more, and never imagine how they might end their life, never have the desire to evaporate into the air?
I hope there are plenty of people like that – I would never wish suicidal thoughts upon anybody. But if they could tell me their secret that would be great.
When you’re young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you’re laughing again.
– Marilyn Monroe