suicidal thoughts, depression, being depressed, mental illness, own worst enemy, this stuff is golden, talking mental health, suicide,

When I Think About Suicide

I mostly think about not-existing anymore.

I’m still scared of death, scared of dying. I feel intense guilt picturing loved ones upset about my early departure.

I imagine my SO finding me or getting the phone call, then I cry some more. I imagine my family at my funeral, then I cry some more. I imagine Christmases and my birthday becoming painful occasions for those closest to me, then I cry some more. Suicidal thoughts make me feel so guilty, so selfish.

I feel trapped by suicidal thoughts. The guilt of picturing the aftermath of my death stops me from going ahead with any of the scenarios I have thought of, and I feel trapped. Trapped in my self-hating mind, I cry some more.

Those times are the worst times, that’s when I’m at a very, very low point.

The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die.
– Juliette Lewis

Other times, the almost-worst times, I just wish I didn’t exist. I wish I could evaporate, disintegrate, dissolve. I just want to stop being so that I can stop feeling.

I am my own worst enemy because I make myself feel so terrible about being myself that not existing seems like the best option. I bully myself into feeling the worst I can possibly feel. I tell myself that I am nothing until I wish I was literally nothing.

Funnily enough, having these thoughts and being my own worst enemy makes me hate myself even more. I feel like a fool, a failure even, for making myself so miserable.

But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.
– Albert Camus

I often wonder what it’s like for somebody who has never felt these things – does a person like that exist? Is it possible to not want to kill yourself, at least at one point in your life? How does somebody go through life, live 80 years or more, and never imagine how they might end their life, never have the desire to evaporate into the air?

I hope there are plenty of people like that – I would never wish suicidal thoughts upon anybody. But if they could tell me their secret that would be great.

When you’re young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you’re laughing again.
– Marilyn Monroe

7 Comments

  1. Ida Auclond

    I just wanted to say that… I understand. I could have written that post. Nowadays though, it has become fairly rare that I wish I didn’t exist. What’s more, sometimes I look at my daughter and I tear up because… I went *this* close to never knowing her personality, seeing her play with other kids… hearing her say “I love you, mommy”. I’m glad I’m still alive.

    What works the best for me, in terms of therapy, is doing more of what I really love – writing. It sort of… gives me a sense of purpose. Of course, at first it didn’t work. At first, I couldn’t even focus enough to watch a TV show, much less read or write. But with adequate medication and sleep (I had terrible insomnia), eventually my brain regained enough power to read, then to daydream about stories, then to write.

    I hope your therapy goes well and that you can find what works for you. ♥ Take care dear.

    1. Lauren

      Thank you for sharing that Ida, it gives me hope 🙂 I’m actually thinking about going back on antidepressants, to see if that helps even just a little bit. <3

  2. Erin

    I wanted to write a comment – something that might make it better, but I don’t have those words but I can say that I, too, often feel like this. Sending love and well wishes, beautiful x

  3. Sparkyjen

    I have often wondered what would make a person feel so hopeless that they would want to end their life. I also have wondered about the immense amount of courage it would take to actually go through with ending one’s life. Personally, I’m a chicken, so even though I may have felt like I didn’t have the life I wanted right then, and how being gone might take away my responsibility to continue living, I wouldn’t do it because in my mind it’s a sin to take from this earth someone [even myself] put here to live their highest and best life having been also given the tools with which to do so.

    Courage? If you have the courage to take your own life, then that same courage can be parlayed into living a life worth something you can be proud of, a successful life, a worthwhile life, a blessed life. There’s no resounding proof that what’s on the other side would be better, more peaceful, less responsibility, so being here breathing in and out, has much more promise, less liability. You already know what there is to choose from, make it serve you, that is; if you have the courage to do so. And you do!!!

  4. Quinn

    I’ve never actively thought about ending my life. When I was growing up I went through awful times full of passive death wishes (‘I hope the plane crashes,’ ‘I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow’) but as time goes on and life gets better and I work on myself I realise I am now slowly leaning over the other side. Now I look around and try to actively think about all the things I love.

    Right now it’s raining outside, and I’m enjoying the smell of rain on the earth, the green of the grass, the sound of the fat raindrops on the skylight above my head. The rust-red of the hedgerow, the stark outline of the bare trees in the distance. I had a hot chocolate just now and it was lovely – warm ceramic in my hands heating me right up. I bought a jumper yesterday in an unlikely shade of raspberry pink because it made me smile. Even though that’s not a colour I ever wear! I love it. It shed all over my black jeans, turning them a weird shade of fluffy maroon, but I didn’t care.

    So that’s my advice I guess. When something makes you smile, be aware of it, remember it, and let yourself go with it. Whether it’s a raspberry pink jumper that your other half says makes you look “like a marshmallow,” or a pair of glittery rainbow runners from the children’s section, or a hot chocolate, or dying your hair blue. Grab the small smiles whenever you can. The big smiles will come naturally!

    All the love x

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