I’m tired. I’m tired of reading bad news. I think I’ll make a cup of coffee soon, and get to work on my new art project. It’s only a little project, something that I just sort of invented, a challenge I guess. It’s going quite well though, I am almost finished. I think it will turn out pretty good. I am however distracted by the fact that I believe I should be making money from my art. I could, maybe. I would very much like to. But what if that makes my artwork lesser quality (in my eyes) because I am not creating for myself, and I get too caught up in catering for a potential buyer. Maybe I’m not cut out for it. I feel like I’m not cut out for anything.
Life things have been slapping me in the face over the last few weeks. They have triggered high anxiety responses. I am believing all the demons in my head, for the most part. I thought I had managed to shut them up, my counsellor has been telling me that I’ve made some amazing progress recently. I was feeling better. I suppose healing is not linear. I will always have to manage my mental health, whatever that means. I get really frustrated with it, like, isn’t there enough going on without having to ‘manage’ my mental health everyday? Is this how it is going to be forever? Up and down, up and down. Sometimes it really doesn’t feel like it is worth fighting for.
I’m very anxious today. Maybe coffee is not a good idea. Art is a good idea. Tea and chocolate is a good idea too.
The weather is lousy today. Windy days are my least favourite. Windy and grey, very Scottish.
It seems that when I am in a low mood, to-do lists are my least favourite thing to look at. The overwhelm is too much, even if I do manage to tick off something, it never feels like enough. There’s always a to-do list, always something I could or should be doing, but it is really hard. I’m tired of things being so hard.
The tension from my neck has spread to my head, my brain is going to get squeezed out of my ears at this rate. Anxiety and stress are so stupid, it’s like, why do our bodies have to inflict negative physical responses to anxiety and stress? That just makes us more anxious and stressed! My problems are only going to get worse if I have a headache or a neckache or a stomach ache. The human body is fascinating and magical and disgusting and stupid. Evolution is an oxymoron.
I’ve noticed that when I go running I conjure up terrible thoughts or imagery, horrible things that I do not want to be thinking about, and because I am running I tell myself aloud to shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Saying it out loud to myself does bring me back to reality (somewhat), so it does work. Talking to yourself works. Saying things with your mouth works. Speaking works. It makes you feel silly, makes you realise that those horrible thoughts you have been thinking are not logical. You will be okay, you are okay, you will be loved, you are loved.
try this yourself – 15 minutes and a Word document. Don’t overthink it. As Shia LaBeouf would say; just do it.