Instagram is the new Facebook to me.
I deleted my original Facebook account after I realised how shitty it was making me feel. I would scroll through hundreds of posts, photos, etc. and feel so much envy that I would feel like a loser in comparison.
Instagram is becoming like that for me. I scroll through the beautiful vacation photos, the post-workout pics and the gorgeous selfies feeling crap about myself.
Vacation photos remind me of my (lack of) money situation, post-workout pics guilt-trip me, and the gorgeous selfies feel like something I could never compete with.
I am unbelievably jealous of the selfies that I see. I want that confidence more than anything.
I look at fashion bloggers and cannot get over their confidence. A photo shoot is one of my worst nightmares – hell, I can’t even deal with taking a selfie with another person. Yet, here that person is, looking amazing in whatever they have decided to wear, publishing numerous photos of themselves in a blog post or on their social media. I am incredibly envious of those people.
I used to be a little bit of a selfie-fiend, taking photos almost everyday. On my old blog, one of my posts was pretty much all selfies (I was mocking how different hair styles make you look like different people – it was a very silly and sarcastic post, but still).
A lot of my old selfies however were kept to myself. I always thought (and still do); “who would really give a shit about seeing my face?”
My confidence was killed by the depression and anxiety triggered by events of August 2015. After that, the sense of worthlessness took over for months (and sometimes sneaks back briefly). Needless to say, when you feel worthless, your opinion of your appearance goes down the toilet too.
Since then, I have slowly been rebuilding myself. My confidence is better, yet regular selfies seem like a long way off.
At the moment I’m also struggling with the changes happening to my body. Yes, I get bigger boobs (SCORE), but my belly is getting rounder. I know it’s the most natural thing in the world, and obviously my unborn baby needs some room to grow – but that lack of control is freaking me out a bit. The thing with Body Dysmorphic Disorder is that lack of control can be a huge trigger, at least it is for me.
I need full control over the lighting, the angle, (the camera basically) when any photo of me is being taken, otherwise don’t bother showing me the final result – I don’t want to see how bad I probably look. So when it comes to uncontrollable changes happening to my body, you can see why I’m feeling insecure.
Sometimes I think I’ll never be happy with my appearance; body or face; and that is truly terrifying.
I don’t want to be that girl that is constantly jealous of the confident people. I want that confidence too. I want the confidence to feel beautiful, which consequently, makes one beautiful.
I’m just not sure how to get it.