I’m Jealous Of The Selfies You Take

jealous of selfies, selfies, instagram, selfie culture, facebook, social media, body dysmorphic disorder, confidence, this stuff is golden,

Instagram is the new Facebook to me.

I deleted my original Facebook account after I realised how shitty it was making me feel. I would scroll through hundreds of posts, photos, etc. and feel so much envy that I would feel like a loser in comparison.

Instagram is becoming like that for me. I scroll through the beautiful vacation photos, the post-workout pics and the gorgeous selfies feeling crap about myself.

Vacation photos remind me of my (lack of) money situation, post-workout pics guilt-trip me, and the gorgeous selfies feel like something I could never compete with.

I am unbelievably jealous of the selfies that I see. I want that confidence more than anything.

I look at fashion bloggers and cannot get over their confidence. A photo shoot is one of my worst nightmares – hell, I can’t even deal with taking a selfie with another person. Yet, here that person is, looking amazing in whatever they have decided to wear, publishing numerous photos of themselves in a blog post or on their social media. I am incredibly envious of those people.

I used to be a little bit of a selfie-fiend, taking photos almost everyday. On my old blog, one of my posts was pretty much all selfies (I was mocking how different hair styles make you look like different people – it was a very silly and sarcastic post, but still).

A lot of my old selfies however were kept to myself. I always thought (and still do); “who would really give a shit about seeing my face?”

My confidence was killed by the depression and anxiety triggered by events of August 2015. After that, the sense of worthlessness took over for months (and sometimes sneaks back briefly). Needless to say, when you feel worthless, your opinion of your appearance goes down the toilet too.

Since then, I have slowly been rebuilding myself. My confidence is better, yet regular selfies seem like a long way off.

At the moment I’m also struggling with the changes happening to my body. Yes, I get bigger boobs (SCORE), but my belly is getting rounder. I know it’s the most natural thing in the world, and obviously my unborn baby needs some room to grow – but that lack of control is freaking me out a bit. The thing with Body Dysmorphic Disorder is that lack of control can be a huge trigger, at least it is for me.

I need full control over the lighting, the angle, (the camera basically) when any photo of me is being taken, otherwise don’t bother showing me the final result – I don’t want to see how bad I probably look. So when it comes to uncontrollable changes happening to my body, you can see why I’m feeling insecure.

Sometimes I think I’ll never be happy with my appearance; body or face; and that is truly terrifying.

I don’t want to be that girl that is constantly jealous of the confident people. I want that confidence too. I want the confidence to feel beautiful, which consequently, makes one beautiful.

I’m just not sure how to get it.

8 Comments

  • Emelie says:

    I agree. Get rid of the stuff that isn’t making you happy. If you find that Instagram is contributing to your depression, get that shit outta your life.
    But I wonder if the problem here is deeper? Maybe Instagram isn’t causing the jealousy, but instead, perhaps it’s the accounts you follow. There are lots of accounts out there that promote body positivity and encouragement. If you’re only following people who are hell-bent on making their lives look picture-perfect, of course you’ll feel less than. The truth is that those people only post the moments they want you to see, so I want you to remember something: for every post they choose to show, there was an embarrassing amount of bad photos, but even better than that is this: have you ever looked at a girl trying to take the perfect selfie? She looks like a complete idiot.
    Just picture that every time you see those “perfect” selfies.
    That being said, I’m all for doing what you feel is right for you, and if deleting your Instagram account is right, do that. After all, you’re about to be a mother. You can’t let Instagram interfere with that, right?
    I hope you’re feeling loved and supported!! Sending you virtual hugs.
    P.S. I’m loving this new blog design!

    • Lauren says:

      Thank you for that lovely comment! I took your advice and unfollowed lots of accounts, and began to instead follow some artist accounts (I like art journals and art journalling), which has greatly improved my Instagram!
      And thanks! I felt like making a change to the blog – glad you like it! We must chat soon, as I would love to guest post for you sometime! xx

  • Gemma says:

    I completely agree with you that Facebook and Instagram are detrimental for your mental health; it really gets me down seeing everyone skinnier/richer/fitter/prettier than I am. I just try and remind myself that Instagram is so staged; everyone wants it to look like they’re living the best possible life, that sometimes they’re too wrapped up in that ‘perfect’ picture to actually enjoy the moment! A really thought-provoking post.
    Gemma xx
    HiddenLittleGem.com

    • Lauren says:

      That’s very true! I’m glad that I rid myself of some of the accounts that were making me feel a bit shit, and instead following more inspirational/artistic accounts that are far more interesting! Thank you for the lovely comment! xx

  • Sadie says:

    I struggle with social media for very much the same reasons. Not great for a wannabe blogger! I’ve spent my life comparing myself with others and always coming up short, so social media is just an extension of that. I find Instagram the worst.
    Pregnancy is a difficult time for someone who struggles with body image. I’m due my 3rd baby in the coming weeks and this has probably been the most positive pregnancy for me because I’ve prioritised health and working with my body instead of against it. Focusing on the amazing work my body is doing growing this baby has helped me see the changes as good things rather than something to fear. I hope you can find a similar mindset.

    • Lauren says:

      Wow that’s great, I hope I do get to that point with my pregnancy! Just find all the changes so scary!
      And I’ve just checked out your blog – you’re not a wannabe blogger, you’re a blogger! 🙂

  • Gloria says:

    The first thing to do is what you did already – delete your fb account. Studies were done which showed that the people who spend the most time on fb are the most depressed. I found it was affecting me that way and I stopped looking at it ages ago. I only use it now for my business page and I’m much happier and my life has improved too.
    You have to realise that people are only posting comments and images that make them appear to be someone to be envious of. That usually stems from feeling inadequate themselves, so they hide it by pretending to be super cool, confident, successful, popular etc. This isn’t true of a lot of posts but is true of many. Also, you’re only seeing the things they want people to see. You’re not seeing the things that are too painful to show, so it’s a snapshot of their lives only. We all have moments where, if a picture was taken, it would seem to some people that we are the luckiest person in the world, but that may not be anywhere near true. It’s common for people to make snap judgements without knowing the full story. It’s unfair, but true and it’s one of the drawbacks of social media. Everything now is based on quick soundbites or snap images (snapchat) etc. so you are never seeing the whole story.
    I long for the days when people actually conversed with each other and looked at each other’s faces, rather than at their phone. When they read books and really investigated, rather than form an opinion from a two minute soundbite on the 6 o clock news.
    While almost everything is more convenient, we’ve lost something very precious: connections, time and discrimination.

    A fan xx

    • Lauren says:

      That’s all so true – need to remember that most social media posts only show the best of people’s lives/what they want you to see. xx

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