For what feels like forever, I had no confidence in myself or my abilities. In fact, I didn’t think I was able to do anything.
Not because I physically couldn’t but because depression and anxiety told me that I couldn’t.
I believed I was worthless, a waste of space, a disappointment, nothing.
I worked in many different roles over several years; customer service assistant, manager, day care assistant, private nanny, admin & project assistant; and though some were better than others, I always ended up feeling like an imposter. I never felt like that job was the one for me, that I really fitted in, that I could really progress.
Then depression hit me harder than any other point in my life, and I have barely worked since.
But things are changing. Things have changed.
Before the birth of my daughter I had imagined ending my life after I had given birth to her – but when she arrived, it wasn’t necessarily love that stopped me from doing it, only a sense that I was her life support (quite literally), so I had to at least continue for a bit longer in the hell that depression had created in my mind.
After the birth of my daughter I still felt utterly worthless – even though there was a little person who counted on me for every moment of every day. I felt like I would never make her proud and my life would be the bare minimum.
Almost five months down the line and I’m still here, and I’ve finally managed to find some hope, and a sense of purpose.
(Of course, being a mother is a great privilege and gives a sense of purpose, but I need something else to make myself and my daughter proud. I need to give myself a bit more identity.)
So, my SO and I have launched a copywriting business called SeventeenEleven. Yes we might be mad to start a freelance business with a four month old baby, but here we are doing it.
I’m also trying to achieve other create stuffs like making and selling a series of zines on Etsy (yet to finish the first one), plus potentially diving back into the fiction writing I was doing last year.
Yes that is a lot of stuff, a shit load really, but I am clinging on to this feeling of hope and channelling as much positivity as I can.
Sure I still have my shit moments, those feelings of “nothing will ever change for me because I’m a waste of space”, but I’m trying to not let those moments fuck up the rest of my day/week/month/entire future.
I’m doing this for myself, my SO, my daughter.
I’m doing this with you lovely readers. Thank you for being part of my life too.
Wish us luck!