Okay, I admit it – I’m a bit lonely.
However I am not Bridget Jones kinda lonely, I’m not getting drunk and singing All By Myself, though it may reach that point. What I mean is, I’m not lover-lonely. I have one of those, a very lovely one who I imagine will end up being my husband at some point in the near-ish future.
What I mean is, I’m lonely for friends.
I do have some friends, some really great friends actually. One BFF 4EVA, one that I can only describe as the devil on your shoulder, and one I need to reach out to more often (hello!) – but those three are all around 400 miles away.
You may know that I moved to pretty little Edinburgh from down South about a year ago. You may not know that I partly used the move as a way to run away from my problems (guess what, they followed me – turns out you can’t pack up everything and not take your depression with you). So, once I got to Scotland, I spent a year being a hermit. I was too sad to go out because I genuinely didn’t feel good enough to be social with anybody. I didn’t feel worthy enough.
To be honest I’ve always had a self-esteem issue when it came to friendships. Since I was a kid I never thought I had enough friends, never thought I was liked enough – and that has made birthdays a bit of a downer ever since I was 11 years old.
In recent years I have had the worry that I won’t have enough friends to invite to my wedding. I had a dream a few nights ago that I was getting married to my SO. The dress would have fitted right in on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding and I was late to the ceremony. I was then paraded around the tables doing a strange meet and greet to the guests – my SO’s tables were filled, and mine were empty apart from a few random ghosts from secondary school (who in real life I had never actually been friends with in the first place). Stephen Hawking was there, which only added to the weirdness. He was nice though.
I have actually made one very good friend since moving to Edinburgh, though it was kind of by accident – he was sitting next to me on a RyanAir flight as I was coming back from a visit to see my family. He was the window seat, I was the middle seat, and I was watching another plane through the window as we sat waiting to take off. I was hoping that we were racing the adjacent plane, and decided to say this out loud. We’ve been friends ever since.
I was very proud of myself for making a friend that day, because generally I am not very good at doing so. I am the type of person that as soon as I see somebody with potential friend material written all over their face, I want to skip all the first friend dates and climb aboard the best friend-ship. And yes, that even counts for people I have met online.
Unfortunately for me, friendships are like dating. You have to woo them. Go out with them and get them to like you. You have to know the right things to say, especially when using a BFF finder app (I’m on Bumble, FYI, hit me up).
So my quest to make new friends has begun. My bumbling on Bumble hasn’t landed me anything yet but it’s still early days. I’m re-reading the amazing book MWF Seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche for some tips on how to meet more people/potential BFFs. I installed Meet Up on my phone again (which is actually how I met my BFF 4EVA). Who knows what progress I may make!
Just curious though – is it okay to invite online friends to your wedding?