During one terrible stint of my depression, I was driving to work, singing to Britney Spears (of course). The loud pop music didn’t stop me from thinking;
“What if I just swerved my car into oncoming traffic? What if I could just die, right now, quickly? All it would take is a turn of the wheel.”
I kept singing as these thoughts went through my head. It had been a rainy morning and the roads were still wet. I was driving on some country roads as at the time, I lived in the sticks near Bracknell forest.
I drove round a corner with my usual confidence as a driver, at my usual speed. I did not account for the still wet roads and lost control of my car. My car swerved, taking itself across the opposite lane of the road and into a ditch.
Luckily for me, both lanes of the road were empty so I didn’t crash into anybody else. Another stroke of luck was that my car just managed to miss a huge trunk of a tree, and in the ditch, somewhat cushioned itself on a hedge. My car had minor damage, just a few scratches.
I vividly remember sitting in the front seat, staring for a few moments before noticing that my packed lunch was all over the dashboard. I remember thinking that when you crash your car, you are supposed to try and get out of said car. The shock hit me pretty badly after that, and I was looked after by passersby until the police came.
When I think about that morning, I’m certain that it was an accident. I can’t help but wonder though, is it too much of a coincidence to have suicidal thoughts right before a car crash? Was my subconscious driving the car round that corner? How powerful were my thoughts that day?
Many people believe in the power of thought. They believe that the intentions you set in your mind will help you in your reality. They believe that your thoughts are your reality.
I don’t fix problems, I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves.
– Louise Hay
I’d like to let the positive thoughts cloud over the dark ones, but sometimes it’s just so damn hard.
Recently I have noticed when my thoughts begin to spiral, which is so bloody brilliant because I finally feel like I have some control over my depressive thoughts. However, it’s not all easy breezy and there are still those days where logic turns its back on me and I am consumed by sadness and terrifying thoughts for many hours. I hate those days.
I genuinely believe that those who have not experienced mental illness do not fully understand the power of thought. They cannot empathise with those whose thoughts and feelings make them bedridden for the day, whose illnesses of the mind cause them to self-harm – they simply cannot understand how a person is unable to instantly change their thinking.
Your mind is the most powerful thing you own – that’s why illness of your mind is the constant battle that it is, and probably the hardest battle that there is.