Google prompts me with a chance to visit the past. A collage pops up of moments from a year ago, presenting glimpses of my previous self and my previous life. As I scroll through them I think:
“Wow, look at all that free time I had.”
“I actually looked quite pretty that day.”
“I wish I could just go out spontaneously again.”
It’s easy to look back at fond memories and think that you had it so much better before. Sure I miss parts of that life I led a year ago, the parts where I could just get on a bus to the city centre with my SO and spend the day doing whatever we wanted. I miss taking the time in the morning to get ready, to put on clothes that I loved. I’m jealous that my previous self felt the buzz of the holiday season.
But what I forget is that even though I had some good things going, there was plenty of bad. I was living in my SO’s friend’s apartment after being made to move out of our own apartment because the landlord wanted to move back in. We had little to no money. I was jobless and felt worthless. I was depressed.
Now I have some of those problems still, plus a few more added on, but I’ve done something quite remarkable in the time between those photos and today – I’ve made a baby.
Though her coming in to this world was not planned, caused lots of anxiety and many low-mood moments, I have a little person now to take care of. I have a part of me and a part of my SO rolled into one nugget and that’s pretty special.
At the very beginning of her life, when we first walked through our front door with her, I was wishing I could escape this new responsibility. Now, I’m in love with her. In just four weeks she’s grown and changed. She started off as this little thing that I barely understood, someone I wasn’t sure how I felt about, to a little person that practices smiles in her sleep, farts all the time and does super cute yawns.
Whilst she takes her daily long nap, I begin to miss having to hold her and comfort her. I scroll through the many photos I have already taken of her and see how she’s growing and changing each day. I rediscover funny moments, hard moments and peaceful moments of her life so far. I try to take it all in, remembering that these days will never come again, cherishing them for what they are – precious memories that I’ll be looking back on in a year’s time, wishing I could relive them once again.
The most beautiful things are not associated with money; they are memories and moments. If you don’t celebrate those, they can pass you by.
– Alek Wek