Sexuality Is Confusing, And That’s Okay

The first time I can remember feeling something for another girl was when I was around 11 or 12, when a popular and pretty girl held my hand in History class as we were watching a video. I was so delighted that I could have held her hand forever. There was nothing sexual about it, I just knew that I enjoyed it and didn’t want it to end. 

The next time I remember was watching the movie Cruel Intentions, with that infamous kissing scene between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair. I would have been around 13 I think. I remember seeing these two beautiful people sharing such a passionate kiss and wishing it was me, wishing that was my first kiss. I think I fancied Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character more, because even back then I liked the ‘villains’ best.

There were a few other moments like this throughout my teen years – I even felt something when making lesbian couples on Sims. I wasn’t sure of what it meant and it was confusing. I didn’t have the courage to pursue it so I just kept it a secret. I kept it a secret for several years.

When I was around 15, one of my best friends hadn’t had her first kiss yet and was nervous to kiss the boy she liked. I quickly offered my kiss as a practice (just like the scene in Cruel Intentions), trying to make it as casual thing as possible, saying it’s only a practice kiss and it didn’t mean we were ‘lesbians’ – the truth being I was scared she would tease me and call me names if I were to say that I wanted to kiss her to see what it was like, rather than just as a ‘friendly gesture’. She turned me down, laughing it off. Thankfully I don’t think she thought much of it.

At around the same time another best friend of mine was secretly dating a woman she had met through work. They dated for a long time with only me knowing – my friend was not ready to tell any other of our friends just yet, scared that they too would call her names or look at her differently. When she told me the things that they had got up to I was jealous. Instead of showing or acting upon my jealousy I encouraged her to keep going with the relationship, as long as it was what she wanted. The jealousy didn’t stem from fancying either person, more that she was doing the things that I really wanted to try but was too shy to do.

I didn’t have my first kiss with a woman until I was 23. That first kiss is a whole other story in itself – I might write about it one day, I might not. Anyway, I was so proud of myself for going out of my safety zone and finally kissing another woman that I was practically walking on air. It was a great kiss and it happened more than once that night. We also talked about going on a date, which was even more exciting.

The date was different. We had coffee in a nearby town and sat talking for a long time. I realised that this woman was beautiful and interesting and great to talk to, but I just didn’t fancy her. We kissed again but I didn’t feel how I had felt during our first kiss. I was a bit confused with myself – was I still into girls? I wasn’t sure.

I had tried Tinder a few times before, but this time I wanted to try to meet a woman. It was harder than I thought! I am shy enough as it is, and really had no clue how to approach a girl on Tinder – boys were a lot easier. I eventually matched and actually spoke to a stunning woman of a similar age to me. We were flirty and it was awesome. Then we arranged a date – dinner at my house whilst my house mates were on holiday.

I cooked a cottage pie (sexy ay?) and we drank wine. Then we nicked some of my house mates’ gin. She smoked in the garden a few times. I was so nervous. She’d been round for hours and nothing had happened. She asked me to show her upstairs. I still did nothing and retreated downstairs, asking if she would like another drink. She ended up taking the initiative, shall we say. It was amazing and so much fun. But then I found out she had quite a complex relationship with her husband – yes, you read that correctly, husband – so I stayed out of it and didn’t see her again. I still think about that night sometimes though.

That summer was pretty fun and probably my wildest. I also spent lots of time with a close friend, going out to bars and clubs together, dancing and drinking the weekends away. One night when we were dancing, she took hold of me and kissed me. From that point I developed a huge crush on her – something that hadn’t really happened before when it came to girls. Sure, I fancied them, but I had never had a real crush like this. I figured that she had kissed me to get the attention of guys so didn’t try to analyse it too much. It happened a few times, each time when we were a bit tipsy and in a bar or club.

A little while later we ended up spending the night together after having dinner and drinks at her place. It was great because I obviously fancied her, but after that night our friendship was never really the same. We didn’t talk or see each other for a while. I wasn’t sure how she felt about it and I guess I was a bit scared to ask. I should have been a bit more grown up about it.

So why have I written about all this? Because sexuality is confusing and that’s okay.

sexuality, bisexual, this stuff is golden,

When I was confused about how I felt about girls to the point where I would cry, I felt like such a fool and even like a freak. I put myself down just because I had these feelings that I didn’t act upon, or couldn’t act upon, which is ridiculous.

People experience things differently and sexual experiences are certainly no different. I had and still have issues with my self esteem and how I look, which made me feel particularly insecure when it came to exploring my feelings towards women. With boys it was different – for some reason their attention made me feel valid and attractive, something that I am sure society had led me to believe. I have plenty of regrets when it comes to the boys I have temporarily given my body to, but again, that’s another story.

Friends of mine have spoken to me about their sexuality and whether or not they are bisexual. Some say they are definitely not, some are curious, some are confused. Just in case you didn’t know: all of the above are perfectly okay.

It doesn’t matter when or where or how because I believe that sexuality can change depending on the people you meet. We fall in love with people at surprising times in our lives, mostly when we aren’t even looking for love, so I don’t see how that is any different when it comes to fancying or falling for people of any gender. It depends on you and your connection with that person.

Of course I know not everybody is bisexual – not everybody is sexual for that matter. I’m just trying to articulate that sexuality is a confusing thing and it can change.

So if you are ever feeling unsure about how you feel towards sex with any gender or sex itself, then try to remember that those thoughts are perfectly normal and not to be ashamed of. As sex is incredibly personal, I would suggest speaking to somebody you trust completely about it, if you want to. Hopefully reading this will make you feel a little less alone in how you are feeling.

9 Comments

  1. Quinn

    Hahaha I loved this! I’m starting to feel like we experience a lot of the same things in opposite ways! I also have mixed-up feelings about girls. Definitely sexually attracted, but not romantically attracted. I kissed over half of my (all-girls) class in school. If anyone was feeling “curious” or “adventurous” or just wanted attention from guys on a night out, they’d come to me. I was probably single-handedly responsible for the ‘[School’s name] are DYKES’ grafitti that got scribbled on the nameplate. It never bothered me, really. My mother found a photo of me kissing my friend and was convinced for years that I was secretly a full-blown lesbian. Every so often she’d make disgusted comments like “I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!”

    Anyway, after school that side of things didn’t get as much playtime as I would have liked, and I’ve been with Scrubs for over seven years now so I don’t see that changing! Sometimes I wish I’d been braver in terms of trying out actual dates in the past, but Tinder wasn’t a thing the last time I was single so I’m not sure how I would have gone about it…. I’m very proud that you put yourself out there and have had those experiences!

    1. Lauren

      I’m jealous of you for being to go-to girl for girl kisses! I would have adored that! Haha.
      Our school was an all girls’ school so we also got the lesbian comments from the other secondary schools of the town. Not that anybody really cared about it – it was just some silly nickname for our school.
      To be honest, it’s been a rare thing of me really wanting to date a girl rather than just have sex/kiss them. And now I’m super happy in a straight relationship, which I imagine will lead to marriage and babies in years to come! So I am glad that I experimented, I had some great fun doing so, and though I kinda wish I had done more, I’m incredibly happy with who I’m with now 🙂
      Funny how we have similar back stories!

  2. Anissa Marie

    Yeah I totally feel you on the Cruel Intentions thing. That movie was like a mini-teen-sexual-milestone for me, hah.
    It’s much easier – on Tinder and irl – to approach boys in a flirty way because rejection from a girl would be like a gazillion times worse. I don’t like to just assume things about people but when it comes to dating I usually assume that the guy is generally into girls (maybe because I don’t know a lot of openly gay men) but with girls I never know and if it’s a friend I’m too scared to ask … Argh.
    A really insightful and helpful post 🙂 And please do share the story of that first kiss!

    1. Lauren

      I remember once being so scared to talk to an attractive girl who I knew was gay, that I got so annoyed and upset with myself I cried when I got home. This was after a night out and when my mum heard me come in and start crying she thought something had happened to me so I made something up (that some creepy guys kept pestering me) because I wasn’t ready to tell her (and still haven’t). Didn’t realise til then how the fear of rejection can really affect you!
      And thanks! I might do… it’s quite a crazy story though!

  3. indjagar

    Heya,

    Really nice post. Completely agree – sexuality is something everyone needs to explore by themselves, it can be confusing, conflicting, and change as we grow. Just like any other likings that we have or not.

    It’s good that you’re not afraid to step out of your comfort zone.

    1. Lauren

      Exactly, thank you for commenting, and so glad you agree! Became suddenly quite nervous about this post as soon as I published it, so am very happy that you both liked it and understood/agreed with it!

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