The first time I can remember feeling something for another girl was when I was around 11 or 12, when a popular and pretty girl held my hand in History class as we were watching a video. I was so delighted that I could have held her hand forever. There was nothing sexual about it, I just knew that I enjoyed it and didn’t want it to end.
The next time I remember was watching the movie Cruel Intentions, with that infamous kissing scene between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Selma Blair. I would have been around 13 I think. I remember seeing these two beautiful people sharing such a passionate kiss and wishing it was me, wishing that was my first kiss. I think I fancied Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character more, because even back then I liked the ‘villains’ best.
There were a few other moments like this throughout my teen years – I even felt something when making lesbian couples on Sims. I wasn’t sure of what it meant and it was confusing. I didn’t have the courage to pursue it so I just kept it a secret. I kept it a secret for several years.
When I was around 15, one of my best friends hadn’t had her first kiss yet and was nervous to kiss the boy she liked. I quickly offered my kiss as a practice (just like the scene in Cruel Intentions), trying to make it as casual thing as possible, saying it’s only a practice kiss and it didn’t mean we were ‘lesbians’ – the truth being I was scared she would tease me and call me names if I were to say that I wanted to kiss her to see what it was like, rather than just as a ‘friendly gesture’. She turned me down, laughing it off. Thankfully I don’t think she thought much of it.
At around the same time another best friend of mine was secretly dating a woman she had met through work. They dated for a long time with only me knowing – my friend was not ready to tell any other of our friends just yet, scared that they too would call her names or look at her differently. When she told me the things that they had got up to I was jealous. Instead of showing or acting upon my jealousy I encouraged her to keep going with the relationship, as long as it was what she wanted. The jealousy didn’t stem from fancying either person, more that she was doing the things that I really wanted to try but was too shy to do.
I didn’t have my first kiss with a woman until I was 23. That first kiss is a whole other story in itself – I might write about it one day, I might not. Anyway, I was so proud of myself for going out of my safety zone and finally kissing another woman that I was practically walking on air. It was a great kiss and it happened more than once that night. We also talked about going on a date, which was even more exciting.
The date was different. We had coffee in a nearby town and sat talking for a long time. I realised that this woman was beautiful and interesting and great to talk to, but I just didn’t fancy her. We kissed again but I didn’t feel how I had felt during our first kiss. I was a bit confused with myself – was I still into girls? I wasn’t sure.
I had tried Tinder a few times before, but this time I wanted to try to meet a woman. It was harder than I thought! I am shy enough as it is, and really had no clue how to approach a girl on Tinder – boys were a lot easier. I eventually matched and actually spoke to a stunning woman of a similar age to me. We were flirty and it was awesome. Then we arranged a date – dinner at my house whilst my house mates were on holiday.
I cooked a cottage pie (sexy ay?) and we drank wine. Then we nicked some of my house mates’ gin. She smoked in the garden a few times. I was so nervous. She’d been round for hours and nothing had happened. She asked me to show her upstairs. I still did nothing and retreated downstairs, asking if she would like another drink. She ended up taking the initiative, shall we say. It was amazing and so much fun. But then I found out she had quite a complex relationship with her husband – yes, you read that correctly, husband – so I stayed out of it and didn’t see her again. I still think about that night sometimes though.
That summer was pretty fun and probably my wildest. I also spent lots of time with a close friend, going out to bars and clubs together, dancing and drinking the weekends away. One night when we were dancing, she took hold of me and kissed me. From that point I developed a huge crush on her – something that hadn’t really happened before when it came to girls. Sure, I fancied them, but I had never had a real crush like this. I figured that she had kissed me to get the attention of guys so didn’t try to analyse it too much. It happened a few times, each time when we were a bit tipsy and in a bar or club.
A little while later we ended up spending the night together after having dinner and drinks at her place. It was great because I obviously fancied her, but after that night our friendship was never really the same. We didn’t talk or see each other for a while. I wasn’t sure how she felt about it and I guess I was a bit scared to ask. I should have been a bit more grown up about it.
So why have I written about all this? Because sexuality is confusing and that’s okay.
When I was confused about how I felt about girls to the point where I would cry, I felt like such a fool and even like a freak. I put myself down just because I had these feelings that I didn’t act upon, or couldn’t act upon, which is ridiculous.
People experience things differently and sexual experiences are certainly no different. I had and still have issues with my self esteem and how I look, which made me feel particularly insecure when it came to exploring my feelings towards women. With boys it was different – for some reason their attention made me feel valid and attractive, something that I am sure society had led me to believe. I have plenty of regrets when it comes to the boys I have temporarily given my body to, but again, that’s another story.
Friends of mine have spoken to me about their sexuality and whether or not they are bisexual. Some say they are definitely not, some are curious, some are confused. Just in case you didn’t know: all of the above are perfectly okay.
It doesn’t matter when or where or how because I believe that sexuality can change depending on the people you meet. We fall in love with people at surprising times in our lives, mostly when we aren’t even looking for love, so I don’t see how that is any different when it comes to fancying or falling for people of any gender. It depends on you and your connection with that person.
Of course I know not everybody is bisexual – not everybody is sexual for that matter. I’m just trying to articulate that sexuality is a confusing thing and it can change.
So if you are ever feeling unsure about how you feel towards sex with any gender or sex itself, then try to remember that those thoughts are perfectly normal and not to be ashamed of. As sex is incredibly personal, I would suggest speaking to somebody you trust completely about it, if you want to. Hopefully reading this will make you feel a little less alone in how you are feeling.