trigger warning: self harm, suicidal thoughts
It’s a long story. A painful story on a topic that would probably make those who asked wish they hadn’t.
I wonder what a nice reply would be like. Something about moving for love, moving for their dream job, moving for uni and never leaving. I kinda did the romantic option I suppose, though I didn’t move 400 miles to finally be with my partner, instead he moved with me across the Northern border.
There is no doubt in my mind that I would be dead without this move. Without my ex partner (who I still consider my close friend). Back in those truly awful days, he was my only source of happiness and hope. The only reason I got out of bed. The only reason I didn’t hurt myself.
My first move was for love. I thought his home town wasn’t good enough for me (I was a snob), and was promised it was only temporary. It really wasn’t that bad of a place though, I ended up staying there for almost 2 years (part of that without said ex).
It would be a strange place to revisit, as it is where I ran away from. I’d be happy to drive through, but I don’t think I could live there again. It would be too much like living in a past life.
And somehow, many moving days later, I’m here in a village I had never heard of, in a village that at the beginning, was a culture shock. City living to a tiny village (with a 4 month old baby in my arms) was quite the adjustment.
I remember wondering around, pushing the buggy with my daughter sleeping inside it, trying to get some peace. At first it felt big, all the suburban areas stitched together into a strange tapestry. But once you had got through it, realised the route, there isn’t much. Some very pretty views at each end of the village, but once I realised that we were a dual carriageway distance from the nearest town, I felt incredibly isolated.
We had planned to stay here for a year, to gain a bit of stability – we were tired of having to write down more than 7 previous addresses for the last 3 years. But we are still here, and though we may not be a typical nuclear family, we seem to have planted some roots here. I love this village because of the people that it has brought into my life.
I don’t know where we will “end up” (which in itself sounds very final and like death, rather than something for the living), but we are here and we are doing okay.