Whether it’s with a cis man, cis woman, trans man, trans woman, a nonbinary person – sex can be with any consenting person of any gender (or several people if you like!)
Sex is a natural part of life, and it isn’t just a way to procreate. Did you know that we are among a limited number of species that also has sex for pleasure? (Others include: pigs, dolphins, bonobos, seahorses…)
So why do we give ourselves such a hard time about having sex?
As long as we are safe, consensual and excited*, why do we feel bad for wanting to feel good?
*= I write consensual and excited when really they should be regarded as THE SAME THING. If your partner or yourself has said YES but their body language is saying NO, then you should hit the pause button IMMEDIATELY.
Too often do people say ‘yes’ because they either think it is expected of them/want to please the other person/find it hard to say no, and we need AS A SOCIETY to recognise that a spoken YES doesn’t always mean YES.
Since the beginning of Biblical times (or perhaps even earlier) a woman’s virtue was seen as (or in some cases, is STILL seen as) something that needed to be protected to keep that woman ‘pure’.
It’s also got a lot to do with the controlling of women by men – seeing as men have always been able to put it wherever they want yet a woman has been told for hundreds (or even thousands?) of years that they needed to ‘save themselves’ for marriage aka their husband aka a man.
If you think about it, how is a woman who has “a lot” of sex described, even today?
She’s a: slut, whore, slag, tart, hooker, harlot, slapper, trollop, tramp, skank, hussy, loose woman, floozy, wench, jezebel…
And how is a man who has “a lot” of sex described?
He’s a: lothario, Casanova, lover, philanderer, lady’s man, womanizer, lady-killer, stud…
Let’s explore that further shall we?
A ‘slut’ is defined as: “a sexually promiscuous woman, or a woman who behaves or dresses in an overtly sexual way.”
A ‘Casanova’ is defined as: “a man with a reputation for having many amorous adventures.”
Spot a few differences there?
Women have been told to avoid sex, that sex is a ‘wife’s duty’, that if they behave or dress in ‘such a way’ then sex will be expected of them (or in other words, women should expect to be sexually assaulted).
EVERYBODY should be able to enjoy fully consensual sex. EVERYBODY should be able to talk about sex without shame or embarrassment. EVERYBODY should have sex as many times as they like, with as many different partners as they like (as long as it is consensual**.)
**= Yes I’m repeating myself with the ‘consensual’ bits but that’s because IT’S SO DAMN IMPORTANT – NOTHING ELSE MATTERS WHEN IT COMES TO SEX.
As sexual beings, we are walking and talking bags of chemicals, muscle, blood, skin and bone. Those chemicals are the magic that make us feel everything, and sometimes those chemicals just want us to get our freak on.
It’s your sex life to have, not theirs. Enjoy it.
I believe that sexuality can change depending on the people you meet. We fall in love with people at surprising times in our lives, mostly when we aren’t even looking for love, so I don’t see how it is any different when it comes to fancying or falling for people of any gender. It depends on you and your connection with that person.
Sexuality isn’t based on the number of either sex you have been with or haven’t been with.
It doesn’t matter if you’re having sex because you want sex, or because you want to show someone you love them, or because you just want to feel something. You can have sex for whatever reason you want. It’s a brilliant stress release; it even gets rid of headaches. The gazillion reasons to have sex outweigh any silly and obsolete views about how one’s sex life should be limited.
And it’s cool if you don’t want to have sex. That’s another great thing about sex – IT’S COMPLETELY UP TO YOU.
Having sex with yourself is perfectly normal too. Masturbation isn’t something to be ashamed of, though it is normally something you keep private or maybe talk about with somebody close to you. Again, like most things related to sex, it depends on what you are comfortable with.
People experience things differently and sexual experiences are certainly no different.
Just make sure it is consensual. Make sure that both (or all, depending on how many people are involved), are excited to have sex.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
For February I have decided to do LOVE AND SEX themed blog posts. Check out the tag to see more of this month’s theme!