Nothing momentous has happened. I haven’t completed a life goal, I haven’t fallen in love, I haven’t won a load of money, but for the last three days (THREE DAYS!), I have felt happy.
This happiness is alien to me. It’s a lighter feeling in my chest, it’s a change in posture, it’s all-consuming. I’m kind of speechless about it.
As you probably know, I have depression and anxiety issues. They are very strong and demanding and horrible. Last week I cried loads because I was feeling so terrible that I wanted to die. I wanted to dissolve. I felt stuck and useless and unworthy.
I regularly feel that way. I hate to feel that way.
This is why I am so baffled by the last three days. How has this happened? Why has this happened? How long is it going to last?
And I know, I shouldn’t really be overthinking it. I should be embracing it and sinking deeper (or flying higher I guess) with it. It’s amazing, I’m honestly in shock, like, do people actually feel like this?
I can’t help but question it though. I think I need to understand where it has come from so that I can come back to it. I want to come back to it. I don’t want to lose it but of course, I know I will. I can’t stay. Nothing is permanent and that’s fine. You have to have the lows to appreciate the highs.
“It’s a helluva start, being able to RECOGNISE what makes you happy.”
– Lucille Ball
It’s especially confusing as I am due on my period any day now. The week before my period is normally a week of anxiety, bloating and general low mood and energy. So I am a little bit paranoid that mother nature is just playing with me and I’ll be hit with a load of mean hormones some time soon.
I’ve changed small things about my day-to-day life over the last few days. And yeah, they might have something to do with my new happy feelings. I suppose it would be too much of a coincidence for them not to have anything to do with it. But I do wonder, is it a placebo affect? Is it all legitimately doing something good to my brain juices and electrical currents? Is it both?
new things i am doing that are helping my mind:
- Practice yoga as soon as I get out of bed (even if only for 10 minutes).
- Stop looking at my phone as soon as I wake up.
- Scripting/ manifesting in my day-to-day planner.
I don’t think of manifesting as something that is magical or anything like that. I tried it because I was curious and after my first scripting session, I felt happier, and that happiness has not left me. I believe that writing about positive things that I want and being grateful for them is what is working for me.
If you’re interested in manifesting, this is the video I watched that taught me how. This Youtuber was so happy and lovely to watch, and all the comments were positive too, so I went with what she recommended. And yes it might seem silly, but lots of things are silly, like how billionaires don’t share their wealth so that they can remain as billionaires, but hey, at least this is a positive feel-good thing that we can do. Also, fuck billionaires.
Dunno hun. I’m just going to ride this happy train until my ticket expires and I get kicked off. I am currently taking on more jobs to do with my volunteer work (which is a social enterprise in Scotland, feel free to check out the work that we do here), being more social and doing things that make me happy whenever I can.
I hope to get back into blogging (this is my first blog post in a month), but also write things for publications. Really, my focus is to write for myself because I think that’s the most authentic type of content for me. All I know is, creative stuff makes me happy and I find myself craving it, so I shall continue doing it (check out my Instagram to see my art).
So yeah, hooray for me for having three solid days of happiness. Fingers crossed that I get a fourth.
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