I had thought about it a few times before, but each time had made me burst out into tears again.
How could I be so pathetic in wanting to kill myself in the first place? Other people have it much worse than me, so how dare I think I have it bad enough to want to die?
I probably would of benefited from calling them the first time I thought about it, just so that those thoughts weren’t stirring in my head by instead being out in the open, or at least in a phone call.
I only called them because I had inched my way closer to really planning it, and by really planning it I mean planning to take action the next day to start the process. Imagining the letters I was going to write. Imagining all the upset. Imagining my own relief.
It sunk my heart to a whole new level, one in which I never wish to experience again. It scared me. So I Google the phone number and nervously dialled.
I wasn’t sure what to expect really. What on Earth was I supposed to say? Thankfully the guy on the other end of the phone was very nice, and when he answered and I started to cry and blub he let me do just that. Once I stopped and regained my voice again, he let me tell him whatever I wanted to tell him, simply offering his ear to me.
No prodding was done, not many questions were asked. He let me tell my story in my own time and replied with comments when it was natural to. By the end of the conversation I was actually smiling – a miracle when reflecting on how and why the phone call had taken place. I was also pretty proud of myself for reaching out for help in the first place. It felt good.
It’s so vitally important to talk about these moments that we have, and equally important to not think that they are shameful or embarrassing. As I have said before, I find it amazing when somebody hasn’t felt like this. How can somebody have never felt that low? How have they never experienced the feeling of wishing they didn’t exist anymore? It seems almost alien to me. And that is probably why somebody who hasn’t felt that way before thinks that our feelings are alien to them.
Not only should we be sharing these experiences to help each other out and support one and other through difficult times, but we should also teach others in order for them to be able to relate in some way. Thankfully this is happening more and more in recent times, with mental health experiences being proudly spoken about by bloggers, vloggers and some celebrities.
The more we share our stories the better. What’s a world without stories anyway? So feel free to drink a pint of Azera coffee with me and let’s face our demons together.
If you need to talk:
The Samaritans phone number is 116 123
Or you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org