I’ve been wondering about the lottery recently – wondering whether winning would make me any happier.
My SO and I often talk about how we would spend it, how we would give a lot away to family, friends and charities, how we would be sensible with it (but perhaps not on the first few days).
If we won it right now, we couldn’t pack our bags and move into our dream home yet – my thirty weeks pregnant body isn’t allowed on an airplane. For that same reason we couldn’t really go travelling. However, we would finally be able to stop worrying about where our next piece of income is going to come from. We could buy all the baby things we need, all brand new. We would finally be able to buy a coat for me and some socks for him, without feeling so damn guilty.
But we wouldn’t be able to make all our dreams come true.
Most of our dreams are things that we want to achieve. They are mostly centred around being well-paid, successful writers with novels and screenplays.
Our dreams require hard work from each of us, and though we wish more than anything to achieve those dreams, we simply don’t have the confidence to really try and reach them.
Having money in my pocket won’t make me feel any more successful or any less lonely. It won’t skyrocket my self-esteem or give me the confidence to just go ahead and write.
I wonder if winning the lottery would lift my depression, make it finally leave my heavy shoulders, and to be honest with you, I don’t think it would.
Sure, it’ll open a few doors for me. I could set up a charity project. I could start a business. But isn’t it true that I could do all that now, without winning the lottery?
Winning the lottery would certainly ease financial stresses about starting anything – but I could still start a project right this very second as a penniless, pregnant woman. All I have to do is start.
It makes it sound so easy doesn’t it? Just starting. Nike telling you to “just do it”. But it isn’t. There are so many mental blocks stopping me from doing anything these days. My productivity trackers in my Bullet Journal remain quite empty, whilst my mood trackers are full of blue (which represents a ‘sad’ day).
Recently I have been wanting to start drawing again. I want to teach myself to draw portraits. I used to love art, doodling eyes and lips all over my notebooks all the time. But the closest I have got to starting is one sit down session of drawing a hand. Since then, I haven’t touched my new (cheap) sketchbooks and my pencils because I don’t see the point.
Depression tends to suck the fun out of most of your hobbies. For me, it tells me that everything I do is pointless because I simply can’t do anything, and all these things that I want to do will not make my problems go away.
It tells me that whatever I try will fail.
So would winning the lottery change my life? Of course it would. But would winning the lottery change my mindset? I’m not sure.
I suppose that is a lottery in itself.