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The Best And Worst Of Times

We met at the very worst time.

I had just found out that I was the victim of several years worth of image-based sexual abuse. I was spiralling but didn’t know it. I kept busy, I ate less, I drank more. I went after thrills even more than before. I wasn’t treating myself very well.

I had had a really shitty day the day that we met. The creep from work had really gotten under my skin and in an angry outburst I let my boss and other colleague know exactly what this creep was like and how he was acting towards me. I left the office thinking I was going to get fired, or worse, that the creep was going to come after me somehow.

I was going to cancel on you but a friend persuaded me that perhaps a night out would help. I text you asking how tall you were (because I fancied wearing some heeled boots) and we joked about being only inches or centimetres tall. We drank steadily that night. I think I would have drunk a whole lot more if you had been somebody else.

There were many times during the first few months, even weeks, of us dating that I thought about breaking it off with you. You were (still are) so magical and wonderful that I just felt I wasn’t the right person for you. I thought you deserved something, someone, much better. Somebody that wasn’t going through the shit that I was going through.

I didn’t tell you about the image-based sexual abuse until a few months in – I was too scared to. Same with the depression diagnosis. Same with the confession about suicidal thoughts. I’ll never forget the latter, I’ll never forget how drink was what made me tell you, or how you cried. How we both cried.

With your baby kicking inside me, I still think about breaking it off with you, how selfish I have been not to let you go before. Our two and a bit years together have been so tough, we’ve never seemed to be able to settle, never had an opportunity work out for us the way we thought. I think that now, especially these last few months, have been the hardest yet, and I can’t tell you how many times I have wished for you to find something and someone better. I feel like I don’t and can’t provide you with the happy lifestyle that you very much deserve. I want that for you so much that I would sacrifice the love that you give me for it.

But I know that you’ll stick by me no matter what because luckily for me, you love me as much as I love you. And I know that our daughter will be just as obsessed with you as I am.

I’m sorry that the timings have never been right, that the decisions we have made (with the very best and most logical intentions) have not worked out for us. But I wouldn’t swap any time spent with you for anything else in the world.

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