Hopefully Humorous Horoscopes

funny horoscopes, joke horoscopes, humour, humorous horoscopes, this stuff is golden, star signs,

Want to let the stars figure things out for you? I don’t blame you. That’s why I took an in-depth look at the star charts and the universe for you. I didn’t understand it in the slightest but that didn’t stop me because I’m a Capricorn.


The sun and moon are dancing circles around each other just to get you the best month of your life. It almost looks like they are fighting, or racing. I think the moon is winning. Oh no wait, that’s an eclipse.


Did you know that Saturn is a gas giant? Well so is your best friend Wendy’s digestive system, so keep away from her this month. She’ll understand.


Betrayal is afoot – your favourite soap is about to switch it’s schedule and only be broadcast three times a week. Seek revenge by focusing on your own soap opera drama that is your life.


Did you know that your star-sign symbol is practically a 69? Take that on board in your next sexual endeavour.


The next person who talks to you may be that passionate lover you’ve been looking for. Who knows? That ASOS delivery guy could be the one for you. I certainly don’t know, this is all guess work.


It’s really important that you study philosophy. What is the meaning of life? What are we all doing here? Why are you reading this article? What’s up with this font? Why am I always hungry? Whatever happened to Gotye? I’ll need your answers by next week.


Live outside your means. Buy that outfit, go out for dinner more often, live it large. Spend like it doesn’t even matter to you. Not that any sort of fortune is coming your way, I just want you to have a good time.


Scorpios are known for their fierce attitude, their passion and their strength. They are driven, dedicated and loyal. Maybe you were born in the wrong month?


You’re more likely to be compatible with an Aries, Leo, Libra or Aquarius. Is your current partner none of these? Ditch them. Get with all four of your compatible star-sign people. Become polyamorous, or, better yet, start a band with them.


Things are going to go so fucking great for you this month, I can feel it in my bones – and the stars and stuff. And I’m not just saying that because I’m a Capricorn. Aren’t we just the greatest though?


A Sagittarius may become quite forward with you, either romantically or to start some sort of shitty band. Be the air sign that you are and blow them off. I’ll let you interpret that how you like.


Pieces? Pices? Your star-sign is the most confusing of spelling. Keep that confusion alive by doing things nobody thought you would ever do. Turn up to a dinner party without a bottle of wine. Paint your face with glitter at your desk. Tell everybody your name is now Polka-Dot. Go wild.


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