“I’m doing my best.”
I keep writing that in my journal entries. It’s self-compassion, because the diseases in my brain work really hard to make me ill.
I can only do my best. I am doing my best. Even if that doesn’t look like much, I’m still doing my best for that particular day. There’s only so much I can do. There’s only so much energy (physical, mental and emotional) that I have per 24 hours.
I’ve been sick with anxiety of late. I’m sick of it and sick because of it. My anxiety likes to creep up onto my shoulders, soak into my neck, tense all my muscles until I don’t want to be touched because I feel like a big, knotted ball of aching. My stomach blows up too, bloating and causing discomfort and pain. Anxiety is such a dick.
Mental illnesses are physical illnesses. They can be chronic. They are unforgiving. It takes so much energy to fight through them, it’s really bloody hard. Hence, the self-compassion.
For me, self-compassion is about allowing myself to rest. Allowing myself to do what I need to do to get through the day. Letting myself survive as best as I can.
Anxiety has become so overwhelming that I have been lost in paralysis analysis – I am frozen, with no idea what to do, what is worth doing, what I should do. So I stay still, let time pass and feel completely frustrated and beaten by this god-awful illness.
The things I am actually able to do might not seem like a lot. I sort the laundry, do the dishes. Shower, take my daughter to nursery. Write this short blog post. I have no ideas on what to do next, something to forget this gut-wrenching, mind-boggling state that I am currently in.
And y’know, it’s hard to ask for help, especially from professionals. It’s scary. But I’m exhausted and I’m tired of being exhausted.
I’m doing my best. We’re doing our best.
where to find support if you need it:
- Samaritans: 116 123 (UK)
- Mind: 0300 123 3393 (UK)
- Saneline: 0300 304 7000 (UK)
- Beat: 0845 634 1414 (UK)
- National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (UK)
- Mental Health America: 1 800 273 8255 (USA)
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services/ SAMHSA: 1 800 662 4357 (USA)